As a going away gift, I thought I would share from the archives the memo that Kevin sent upon becoming named the Deputy Dawg of Misdemeanor back in 2002. You're welcome, Kevin.
From: Petroff, Kevin
Sent: Tuesday, July 30, 2002 6:11 PM
To: Davidson, Luci; McClellan, Lyn; Satterelli, Michele; Aguirre, Juan; Baker, Wendy; Arnold, Charles; Ansari, Tina; Beedle, Nathan; Capitaine, Christian; Craft, Johanna; Daigre, Eleanor; Deleef, Peter; Devlin, Eric; Donnelly, Mark; Doyle, Paul; Eaglin, Barbara; Exley, William; Gilbert, Alexis; Gooch, Lori; Gostyla, Tracy; Guerinot, Eileen; Guiney, Kristin; Gupta, Ritu; Halpert, Steven; Harris, Jamey; Harrison, Heather; Herrera, Heather; Joachim, Carson; Jocher, John; Johnson, Kelli; Jones, Bonner; Jordan, John; Kennedy, Collin; Kerbow, Fran; Kibler, Dawn; Kidd, Tammy; Kolski, Andrea; Lehman, Victor; Markland, Clive; McGee, Meg; McMahon, Gina; Moore, Michael; Mostia, Jamie; Needham, Jessica; Newman, Murray; Nichols, Denise; Philips, Rebecca; Reid, Cicely; Richardson, Dan; Spalding, Michael; Stornello, Rosario; Streeter, Sam; Summerlin, Robert; Taylor, Araceli; Underwood, Collin; Voigt, Denese; Weissfisch, George; Wesselmann, Stephen; Yborra, Mark
Subject: New Policies from Your Deputy Dawg-Elect
As the new Deputy Dawg, effective August 5th, I think it is only fair that I inform you of some policies that I will be implementing. As you know, especially you Misdemeanor Chiefs, that I will be instrumental in your evaluations. Therefore, I feel it only fair to warn you of what will be happening.
1. Sneak Attacks-on a daily basis I will be popping into your office and your courtrooms. You may or may not be in your office, but I will go through your desk looking for contraband. Specifically, anything that mocks me in any way. I will also go to the courts to see if you are mocking me in front of anyone. This includes defendants and judges.
2. Jazz Music-I will be filtering in my own weak musical tastes through the intercom. I would like to politely ask Denese Voight and Barbara Eaglin not to sing along. If there are any complaints about the music, this will severely affect your evaluations.
3. Fitness Program-as you all know, I've spent much time at jazzercise and at the gym to develop the body of a pre-pubescent 12 year old. I will expect my underlings to soon have my physique.
4. Clothing-you shall all dress in the same 1980s era suits that I wear. You can find these at K-Mart. Mention my name, and you'll get a discount.
5. The Misdemeanor Investigators shall be my personal bodyguards should anyone attempt to retaliate for this list of rules.
6. Any person setting a case for trial shall submit a 3 to 4 page memorandum on the facts of the case, and what you believe would be the best outcome for the interest of justice.
7. I want everyone's voir dire, opening statement, direct examination, ideas for cross-examination, and closing arguments written and professionally bound for my approval.
8. All prosecutors who lose a trial will be forced to wash my car.
9. I shall be referred to as "Mr. Petroff" or "Deputy Petroff". Or, if we are particularly close, you may refer to me as "Sport".
10. All CLE classes will be conducted on Friday afternoons from 5 pm to 7 pm in my front yard. No alcohol shall be permitted.
These are just a few of my preliminary thoughts, and if you think about it, they are all pretty much common sense. I'm sure that Luci will approve them, because I am the Man. If you have any comments or questions, I would strongly suggest that you submit them anonymously. That way, I can punish you all as a group.
Sincerely,
Deputy "Sport" Petroff
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